So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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