I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
