wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
