im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
