She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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