Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
