i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
