I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize