I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
