When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
