Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Buhtt sex?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
