I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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