Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
