Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
