'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
