John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
