I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
