glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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