I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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