He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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