tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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