my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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