I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
