Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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