I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
two words: eviction party
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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