I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
