She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
