saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
