I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Houston, we have a blender
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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