mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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