I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
