How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
