Where did you get a picture of my penis
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
