awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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