It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
