In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
