just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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