I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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