bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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