I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
