i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
