Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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