I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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