Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
