Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
