Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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