Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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