New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
organizing the empties. That sober.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
