when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
