it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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