in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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