I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
