he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
