the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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